This is a variant on “it like to have…”, a post from several months back.  Both have the same rough meaning as “almost,” albeit on steroids.

I might say, “I ate a dish with hot chili peppers, and it like to have killed me.”  (Or course, most of us who would revert to this somewhat substandard usage for emphasis would also use the substandard pronunciation “kilt,” as in something a Scotsman would wear. Those of us who would not contract the “have” into something like “to’ve” would probably leave it out entirely.)  Similarly, I might say, “Those chili peppers in that dish might near killed me.”   For reasons I’ve never understood, most Southerners would say “kilt” with “like to’ve,” but use the correct pronunciation, “killed,” with might near.  Go figure.

More erudite usage would be “very nearly,”  as in, “Blymie, old chap, you very nearly shot my hound instead of the fox!”  While that might work in the English countryside or in some circles of America, it would come across as terribly stuffy in most parts of the South.  A Southern equivalent might be, “Damn, son!  You like t’ve shot my dawg!”  Another, directed to a third party, might be, “Watch out when that gold-plated peckerwood over yonder is shooting.  He might near shot my best bird dog!”

There’s nothing even remotely grammatical about “might near,” but we all use it periodically for emphasis.  As I’ve stated many times, there’s nothing wrong with relaxing in the language, with flouting its rules for emphasis when it’s clear you know better.  That’s one of our finest Southern traditions, one we’ll might near kill to preserve.

While I’m at it, Thanksgiving is might near upon us.  Be safe, have fun with family and friends, and remember the day’s meaning.

By DAN LANGFORD

This Thanksgiving week, it’s important to note that no Southerner with any pride of place would deign to eat something called “stuffing,” unless of course he or she happens to be visiting Yankees for Thanksgiving.  In that case, it’s far better to be polite and eat what’s set before you, even if it has been pulled straight out of a turkey’s butt, than to insist on dressing the way the Good Lord intended it to be made.

“Stuffing,” for the uninitiated, is what goes into upholstered furniture.  “Dressing,”  on the other hand, is a Southern dish, made in many various ways, but always baked in a pan and cut into squares for serving with giblet gravy at a holiday table.

The most common ingredients are similar amounts of cooked cornbread and biscuit (though many fine and upstanding folks use white loaf bread in place of the biscuit), to which are added liberal amounts of sage, onion, celery or celery seed, juices from a just-cooked turkey or hen, and usually an egg or two and a touch of sweetmilk.  It’s so good it might make you slap your grandma away from the table, but doing so would put a damper on the Thanksgiving festivities, so we’ll all just have to restrain ourselves.  (I’ll be happy to pass along a time-honored family recipe for dressing to anyone who might be interested.)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  Enjoy your dressing, turkey, all the other wonderful table offerings; but most of all, be safe and celebrate the time with your families.  God bless!